So I thought about something tonight, that maybe I should pretend this never happened and act like you never meant anything to me. Maybe if I just delete you from my life, it would be better. That way I could never get hurt again, and you can have what you have always wished for because getting online and knowing I can't talk to you is killing me.

knowing that it's really over is killing me.
When thing happened, I thought in my heart, this is it. I didn't even say goodbye.
But with time, I feel like something else is going to happen.

maybe my hopes are just to high.
or maybe I'm just crazy.

I will love you always, till the whole world blows.

I feel like everything is going to fall apart. That now we have nothing to do with each other, I feel better but there is a part of me missing. I thought I needed you more than I needed my next breath. You took that away from me every time we talked and sometimes made my heart flutter but I never got butterflys. It was a different kind of love, like that never dying, "can't sleep, can't eat reach for the stars world seris kinda thing". But I'm kinda glad its over, no more ripping off the bandaid, just a clean cut.
Rachel came over yesterday while I was sleeping and knocked on my door. We took a walk around the neighborhood and talked about life like we always have but this was going to be the last for a while. At six-thirty this morning she boarded a plane to Deleware. She texted me before she left and in my heart, I already missed her so much. I thought about how much we have been through together, the boys, and the drama. Then I realized that there wasn't one person I was really close too that haddn't hurt me one time or another. That I don't have that friend I can tell everything too like I would like to. Someone to always be there so I can call in the middle of the night crying. All I have is myself.
I thought I could tell him everything and he would bring me up but only to let me fall. After about the 100th time falling, I realized I couldn't do that anymore. I can't keep putting my heart in this situation anymore if I want to have some of it left.



" I just wish the story didn't end like this, because I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it."

I miss the way you would tell me it was all worth it because in the end it would be perfect. You made every second worth it. I can't imagine life without you, or my past without a story about you. Even tho I know that I'm worth so much more, or at least that's what everyone has been telling me, I still need you. I need you here to wake me up with sweet kisses, and to fall asleep on your chest with your heartbeat as my lullaby. I was your shadow and you were mine,  but now everything is all dark and I can't see you. You said things would get better in time, that things were different this go around, so what happened ?
I felt like things had just began, why did they end so soon? I have a million questions to ask you in case you were wondering. Don't worry, I will never have the nerve to ask them to your face, so you can go to sleep tonight without a thought on your mind and forget about me. Or do what I do, lay awake wondering where we went wrong and if things could ever be the way the use to be, only better.
Do you ever think back to the night when it did nothing but pour rain and we were trapped out in your car over night? In my head i know it was only a ten second run from the car door to the house but in my heart, I would do anything to make that moment to last even a second longer than it really did. Sitting in your arms in the back seat is something I never wanted to wake up.  It was a dream and you were my prince charming, even tho is was simple rain, it meant so much to me as if you were defending off dragons. Even when you woke up, I didn't feel you move an inch. Maybe at that time you wanted me as much as I needed you. I opened my eyes and looked up and noticed your eyes still shut, but I knew you were awake because your heartbeat changed from a slow beat to an intense flutter.
I love that you don't always say whats on your mind because your smile tells it all. Like when the first night we met and you just looked down with a huge grin on your face, I can tell your shy but when you looked up at me it was  like your eyes went right through mine staring in my soul. I know every smile by heart and I love them all.
Then there's the time you sat legs crossed on the top of your hood playing acoustic the night before you left. That whole week I felt like my heart was attached to a ticking bomb and it was only a matter of time before it went off. I thought that we where going to be together till the whole world blew into a million pieces, but I never imagined that it would be my heart first. Just the way you played every cord, and had an angelic voice that even the angels would be jealous, made me weak in the knees. I didn't think twice that night when I snuck out my window and down to you. I hoped to be your reason to stay by getting into your car, that maybe I could show you how much you truly mean to me and how much you would be giving up by leaving. It's been months now and it still hasn't hit you and I still wish on every shooting star, every dandelion and I even wished on my last birthday, that when it did hit you, it would feel like a smack in the face.

It's 4 in the morning, or almost there, and I can't sleep. Every time I lay down, all I can see is him and think about what I love about him, what he did to make me smile, you know? The little things that kept me from going to sleep back when I was fifteen. I wish I could say I wish you were here, not just in my heart, but by my side but we both know that it would be a disaster. But isn't that what love is? Just a hurricane, so strong but can destroy everything in one night, but it always goes where it is the warmest. I thought i would still be in complete pain, but I just feel numb. To many emotions, you know I can't control them all at once.
My faded sky blue carpet is still stained with orange paint even tho you told me it would come up with time. I finally had to get a rug to cover it up to keep people from asking how it got there, just feels like another bullet in my heart. The paint still peeks out the sides and reminds me of you every time I look at it. Sometimes I swear it had gotten bigger.  Even as I write this, I'm constantly looking at it, so bittersweet because even tho my carpet was stained forever, I was really happy with you but now your gone and it's just a reminder of the time I wasted.
I wished on a star last night, I wished that you had never left. I wished for everything I could never give you. It will never come true because the star started to move. Not a shooting star, but just an airplane, but does that mean I don't get my wish? I mean it's not my fault I was fooled by what I thought was the real thing. Like how you fooled me, I put all my hopes and dreams in that small wish, why don't I get my happy ending?
I guess you don't really see what you had until it's gone, I just hope you think the same thing when someone reminds you of me. I know I've hurt you so much during the last three years, broke you down and acted like you didn't matter to me but you did your fair share too. I guess you could say I've learned from it but I don't consider it a mistake because given the time of day, I would do it all over again. I would kill a thousand saints if it meant you would be standing in my door way again with that shy smile I fell in love with from day one. It's bad enough that I think about you every morning when I wake up but even at night, you're in my dreams.
I know at one point and time, I filled your heart. I stood in shoes that not even your own mother could fill but the toes were kinda small and the heals always gave me blisters, but it was like no matter how much they hurt, I wore them anyways because they were my favorite pair.  This love wasn't suppose to end like this, to end like it never happened. I knew from day one you were a hand full, but I made a promise to never give up on you.  You're long gone, but sometimes I think it's a good thing. I would have never known what it was like to have you and what is was like to sleep in a lonely bed without you by my side. I took you for granted and didn't understand what my heart was telling me before it was too late. Maybe I just thought that if I wrote everything down, word for word, you would come back, so this right here, this is for you.